Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
