it was like eating out sand paper
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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