sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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