even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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