Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
