I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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