We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How's work?
Spinning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
