People with herpes should wear stickers.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize