You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
