I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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