My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
