I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
