he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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