So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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