i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
