I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
