You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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