Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
