she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
