Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
