We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
