Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
