I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
