Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
