My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
