I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
