Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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