stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
