Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize