I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you didnt know i had herpes?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
