That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
