I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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