I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize