So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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