jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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