chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
