There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
