i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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