I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
