Only a mothe r could love this liver
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
