If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
