Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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