chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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