How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Life is so much better after having sex.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
