if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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