Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What a dumb baby whore.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
