i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize