i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
