Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
