tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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