I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
