Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
