How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
