maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize