It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
