awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
