We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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