My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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