please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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