you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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