you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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