fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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