Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
