yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Randomize
